HOW WOULD YOU REACT?

Throughout most of my MS, I showed characters' reactions in an appropriate way and with enough detail. Chapter Eight was one place I could have done better. To illustrate this point, I’ll show you the original text followed by the amended version.

Jennifer opened the door with anticipation.

Jennifer held her breath; her body tense as she opened the front door to let them in.

"Guardians and suspected Scavengers," Jack moaned.

Jack sprang from his chair with resentment creasing his face. "Guardians and suspected Scavengers," he said, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

"Best we try to get some sleep," Ellie said. "It will be dawn in a few hours."

Ellie struggled to keep her hopes alive. "Come on," she said, getting to her feet and offering a hand to help him up. "We could both do with some sleep."

Dawn came before Ellie was ready and she stumbled from her bed more asleep than awake. She dressed in hurry and then rushed to the Green arriving more alert but breathless as she milled around with the others.

Dawn came before Ellie was ready to greet the new day. She hadn't had a wink of sleep and stumbled out of bed red-eyed and thoroughly weary. Once dressed, she hurried to the Green arriving more alert, but breathless, where she mingled with several dozen others who'd already assembled to lend a hand.

Abel went over to join them and returned a few minutes later looking worried. "You need to get back inside the village." he said. "Now hurry, as fast as your legs will carry you."

Abel went over to join them and returned a few minutes later, his usually cheerful expression blighted by concern. "You need to get back inside the village."

Ellie grabbed his arm. "What’s going on? Have they found Wilfie?"

The furrows in Abel’s brow deepened. "No, now hurry. We're all in danger."