HOW WOULD YOU REACT?
Throughout most of my MS, I showed characters' reactions in an appropriate way and with enough detail. Chapter Eight was one place I could have done better. To
illustrate this point, I’ll show you the original
text followed by the amended version.
Jennifer
opened the door with anticipation.
Jennifer
held her breath; her body tense as she opened the front door to let them in.
"Guardians
and suspected Scavengers," Jack moaned.
Jack
sprang from his chair with resentment creasing his face. "Guardians and suspected
Scavengers," he said, storming out of the room and slamming the door
behind him.
"Best
we try to get some sleep," Ellie said. "It will be dawn in a few hours."
Ellie struggled to keep her hopes alive. "Come on," she said, getting to her feet and offering a hand to help him up. "We could both do with some sleep."
Dawn
came before Ellie was ready and she stumbled from her bed more asleep than
awake. She dressed in hurry and then rushed to the Green arriving more alert
but breathless as she milled around with the others.
Dawn
came before Ellie was ready to greet the new day. She hadn't had a wink of sleep and stumbled out of bed red-eyed and thoroughly weary. Once dressed, she hurried to the Green arriving more alert, but breathless, where she mingled with several dozen others who'd already assembled to lend a hand.
Abel
went over to join them and returned a few minutes later looking worried. "You
need to get back inside the village." he said. "Now hurry, as fast as your legs
will carry you."
Abel went
over to join them and returned a few minutes later, his usually cheerful expression blighted by concern. "You need
to get back inside the village."
Ellie grabbed his arm. "What’s going on? Have they found Wilfie?"
The furrows in Abel’s
brow deepened. "No, now hurry. We're all in danger."
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