SUMMARY OF EDITS FOR CHAPTERS FIFTEEN AND SIXTEEN

Chapter Fifteen only required minor revision. This occurred at the end of the chapter and included one instance of the passive voice and a small amount of telling writing. For comparison I will show you both the original and amended text.

The original version:

Elisha’s heart raced as Jack led them away from the hide on a route which took them in a wide circle of the Scavengers camp. She felt conscious of every sound they made and feared any one of them might alert the Scavengers to their presence. Once they found themselves inside the tree line she felt slightly more relieved.

Amended version:

Elisha’s heart raced as Jack led them away from the hide on a route which took them in a wide circle of the Scavengers camp. Conscious of every sound they made, she feared they might alert the Scavengers to their presence. Once inside the tree line she exhaled with relief and wiped the sweat from her palms on her dress.


Chapter Sixteen contained a few instances of missing commas which were easily rectified. The main change was the addition of some new material. As I mentioned in an earlier post the MC was still being reactive at a point in the story when she should have been proactive. In the original version she made no attempt to escape in the hours following her capture. The amended version shows her trying to make her way back to the hide when she thinks her captors aren’t looking. For the purposes of the story she needed to be unsuccessful. 

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